The Emptyfeeling
by corikane
Summary: Regina Mills has given up everything when she saved everyone from Pan's curse. After a year without Henry, however, she's come up with a possible solution. But she needs Snow White's help to get her own Happy Ending. Setting is after 3.11. (No copyright infringement intended.)
1. Prologue

**A/N: There's no spelling mistake in the title, it's indeed one word. And it's a new story and I hope you'll all like it. It's a SwanQueen story, just so that there'll be no complaints later. This is the prologue and it's fairly short - shorter than the following chapters will be.**

* * *

"What is this child's name?" the ministery figure asked as he was holding the baby. Snow White looked at her husband and they smiled at each other.

"His name is...," but that was as far as Snow got. She was interrupted by the opening door, a gust of wind blowing in and the surrounding people gasping. A moment later a gap formed and a voice rang out even before Snow and Charming could see the late arrival.

"Sorry, I'm late," Regina said and a chill ran through the whole assembly as everyone was having a nightmarish déjà-vu.

Regina stood in the doorway in all her black leather-clad glory and the memory of her standing in the entrance of the throne room of the castle on Snow and Charming's wedding day overwhelmed everyone. But that was all it was - a memory. They weren't in the castle now as a new one was still being build.

A year had passed since they had returned to the Enchanted Forest and no one - no one present at least - had seen Regina since that day. Some had thought her dead, others were sure she was hiding. But now she was here and while everyone remembered the scene from the wedding, there was little doubt that it wasn't the evil queen that was standing before them.

Regina was thinner than anyone had ever seen her, her cheeks were hollow, her eyes set into dark circles, her hair was hanging wildly around her head. The people in the room would probably have been surprised that they were all reminded of the same cultural reference from the world they had left a year ago: Bellatrix Lestrange from the Harry Potter-movies. That's how Regina looked, it was a disconcerting sight.

"Regina, what are you doing here?" Snow roused herself from the memory. She didn't mean to be unfriendly to the woman who had saved them all from Pan's curse but her appearance was too unexpected to produce a friendly greeting. The other woman turned and closed the door behind her. When she turned back to everyone she was wearing the faintest smile.

"I... I wanted to see the baby," she said and came closer.

David turned to the minister who looked a little alarmed.

"It's okay," the king said and took the boy from the richly robed man. He held his son as Regina stepped closer, looking down at the baby. A single tear fell on the tiny head and Regina looked up at David.

"He's gorgeous," she said and then she looked at Snow.

"That he is," the other woman answered with a soft smile.

"I need your help," Regina then said and shocked the room into absolute silence. "I need your help with a curse."


	2. A Familiar Nightmare

**A/N: Well, here it is - the first chapter. I hope you like. Thanks to everyone who's already enthusiastic about the meagre prologue, I hope I won't disappoint.  
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* * *

Regina had been waiting in the baby's room, looking at its toys, remembering. Henry had had similar toys when he was that age, of course. He'd had a crip like that, stuffed animals, too. It hurt to look at all this, another piece of THEIR happy ending.

The door opened and Snow White came into the room. She had her son on her arm and was making silly baby noises at him. She looked up at Regina who held one of the fluffy animals in her hand.

"That's his favorite," she said with a smile and lay her son in his little bed. Regina stepped closer and put the toy in his arms. They were both looking down at him as he slowly quieted and closed his eyes to sleep.

"He's... perfect," Regina said. "Almost as perfect as Henry was," she added with a bittersweet smile. "What's his name?"

"Killian Leopold," Snow answered and she wasn't surprised to see a flicker of pain cross the other woman's face. The mention of Snow's father could never just pass between them without it, it was one of their many... issues.

"You named him after a pirate and a king," Regina said.

"We named him after a friend and my father," Snow disagreed.

Regina nodded. She lay a hand on the baby's belly, feeling him breathe under her hand. So tiny, so eternally precious and good. The look on her face was so full of pain and yet turned so far inside that Snow turned away and walked to the window to not have to see it anymore.

"I remember Henry at that age. I bet you do, too," the older woman said after along while.

"He was very sweet," Snow said but they must have seemed hollow words to Regina, she didn't even seem to have heard them. She was still watching Killian.

"I thought something was wrong with him because he was crying when I picked him up. I thought it was him but it was me. He felt... something missing in me," Regina mused.

"You were just new at it, probably a little scared. Motherhood can do that to anyone. You leanred to handle him eventually," Snow said.

"You taught me how. Watching you with him... you had the instinct, an instinct I never had."

"You had it, Regina. You did everything for Henry, everything you could."

"Including giving him up... for everybody's sake, for the greater good," Regina said and looked over at Snow. "The price was too high, it was too high for me."

"Regina..."

"No; Snow. You have your happy ending. You have David and Killian, your kingdom, your friends..."

"I don't have my daughter," Snow argued and her voice sounded pained.

"You know that she's happy with our... her son," Regina gave back.

"That's not the same as having her with us. It's her brother's christening and she should be here. Insteaad she's... not," Snow said.

"But you know where she is, don't you?" Regina asked and could see by Snow's reaction that she was right. "It's true then. You're in contact with her."

"It's not exactly contact, Regina... but Hook found her."

"Where?"

"Why do you want to know?" Snow snapped. She didn't like the way this conversation was going and Regina was still standing by Killian's crib. It made her uncomfortable.

Regina looked down at the baby.

"I want to know that Henry is all right. Is that too much to ask?"

"Of course not. He's fine, he's healthy," Snow answered. They were both aware that she hadn't given up his location, though, and wasn't likely to do so. "You said something about a curse earlier. I thougt you would have given up that kind of thing after what happened the last time."

"Don't worry, I'm not thinking of cursing any of you anymore. You and your friends are safe. I want to... curse myself, only myself. Not that I'm not already cursed. A life without Henry... I've lost everything, Snow, and I want it back," she said with a hint of pleading in her voice, as if Snow could be the one to give it all back to her. The younger woman didn't know how she could be, she wasn't even able to reach her own child over the gap between their realms.

"Cursing yourself?" she asked.

"Yes, cursing myself to forget... Regina Mills, the evil queen. If I could become someone else, forget who I was before, I wouldn't be the one seeing Henry again and the curse would stay broken," Regina explained.

Snow looked at her. It sounded reasonable enough. If Regina wouldn't be Regina and she would see Henry as someone other than his mother, that wouldn't violate the price of undoing the curse... yet, somehow, as sane as it seemed, Regina seemed not. She still had more resemblance with Bellatrix Lestrange than herself, she still looked slightly unhinged. And then there was that other thing, the thing Rumple always used to say: all magic came at a price.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Snow finally said.

"Why not? Because I could be happy for once?" came the prompt and bitter response from the other woman.

"No, because there will be a price to pay. There's always gonna be a price, Regina. And so far, the price has always outweighed the gain," Snow lectured.

"I have nothing left to lose, Snow. Nothing. What could possibly be a bigger price than not being with Henry?" Regina asked and now she seemed really desperate.

"What if you're not the one paying it? What if Emma... or Henry himself, would be the ones paying for what you're about to do?"

Regina's eyes darkened, her face seemed to produce its own shadow to cast her face into darkness.

"That's not how it works. You don't know anything about magic, Snow, that's my field of expertise and I'm gonna deal with it," she said and, although she made her voice sound hard and sure, there was the tiniest hint of doubt in it. Snow heard it, Regina knew that Snow had heard it. "I have to do it."

"No matter the cost. Seems like we're back to square one with you doing what you want to do, no matter who's gonna suffer for it," Snow accused.

"You don't know how... you don't know," Regina said and turned away.

"What don't I know? What could possibly make you casting another curse okay?" Snow demanded to know.

"I am dying," Regina said. "I am... dying."

* * *

"She's dying, David."

"What? Regina, she... she's not that old, I mean. What is she dying of?" David was flustered. Maybe it was the common believe that evil lived on until killed by good, but the idea that Regina should simply die seemed insane to him.

"She's dying of a broken heart," Snow answered as she lifted Killian a little to close the buttons on her dress. He had fallen asleep while she breast-fed him, now he was making satisfied little noises in his sleep. She smiled down at him. Then she looked up at her husband who stood in the middle of the room, frowning.

"A broken heart? And you believe that?"

"Have you seen her? She's... She calls it 'the emptyfeeling.' And it's... I guess it feels like... empty, except for pain. She lost everything. And she's right, we still have each other, we have Killian. Everybody seems to have taken something with them from Storybrooke, friends they didn't have before, knowledge, something... even Belle... She lost Rumple but Bae is like a brother to her now and she has Ruby... but Regina. She's been hiding the last year because she feared... everyone. She's holed herself up, almost starving and still remembering what she used to have... Henry, Storybrooke. She doesn't belong here anymore and..."

"Are you trying to convince me to help her? With her curse?" David interrupted Snow's plea for a woman who had been a constant nightmare for so many years.

"No, I... we have to help her somehow. I don't think a curse would be... but if not the curse then... what? She'll die without Henry," Snow said. "Will you put Killian into his crib, please."

David nodded and smiled. He took his son from his wife and rocked him gently in his arm before he lay him down in his bed, the one that stood in their bedroom. Then he went over to where Snow sat in the rocking chair. She seemed deep in thought and more worried than he'd seen her since they were back in the Enchanted Forest.

"She made her sacrifice," David said gently.

"The sacrifice was to not see Henry ever again, not to die, David," Snow argued. "She saved us all, she gave Emma... everything she had to give, even happy memories. She didn't have to do that."

"She did it for Henry," David said.

"Exactly, but we all benefited from it. When I see her now...," Snow looked over at the mirror that hung prominently on one wall. "When I see Emma now, happily living her life with Henry... I know that Regina made it happen."

"She owed it to us all, don't you think?"

"Some of it. But she could have just paid her own price, never seeing Henry again. She didn't have to tell Emma to leave with Henry, she didn't have to give her those memories that told her she was his mother. Sure, she did it for Henry but... not just for Henry, David. She did the right thing. And what did we do? We abandoned her, we retreated back into our own world with our family and friends and we chose to forget about her... until she appeared today."

David sighed. He knew Snow was right. Regina had simply disappeared after they returned and he had actually been relieved about it. Sure, there was the chance that she was brewing up more mischief but nobody had believed that she would, not after all that had happened in Storybrooke. He had wanted to believe that Regina would never bother them again. He had also wanted to believe that they could all live happily ever after... never mind that Emma had left a hole in their life that could never be filled, never mind that some of their friends constantly reminisced things they'd had in Storybrooke, never mind that life in the Enchanted Forest suddenly seemed stale and predictable. He had chosen to ignore all those things and Regina appearing on this day of all days - a happy day, one that might have given them renewed hope - had ripped right through the pretence, brought back the pain of loss.

"Damn her!" David exclaimed.

"David!" Snow said in reproach.

"No, damn her! The whole curse, everything it took from us, everything it gave us, and then took back again. Emma... it shouldn't have been like this. We should be able to hold her, she should be here holding her baby brother. But Regina took that from us. She's...," he turned to the mirror on the wall and then went over. "She's out there and all we can do is watch her. We can't..." he touched the glass of the magically enabled mirror and his own image blurred to show him a New York apartment, empty at this time of day, but sunny and tidy. Emma and Henry's apartment in New York, their only way to be near their daughter because Killian had succeeded in giving it to Emma as a present, because he'd become something like a friend to Henry - not necessarily to Emma.

Snow stepped behind her husband and lay her arms around him.

"I know," she said, the same kind of pain that he felt apparent in her voice. "But we at least know, see, that she's happy. Regina can't even have this. If she looked into this mirror, if she saw Henry in it... we'd all be back in Storybrooke under Pan's curse. Without a chance of getting saved like we were before."

"I know," David answered bitterly. "But does she actually deserve to know that he's alright? Does she deserve to have that kind of relieve? She's paying for the curse she cast. Maybe dying is exactly what she deserves," he said and tried to make his voice even, void of feeling. It didn't work, there was anger in it, bitterness, but also the desperate need to feel what he was saying. He didn't, he didn't think Regina deserved to die. If he did, he wouldn't be the man Snow White loved.

"You don't mean that," she said.

"No, but it would be easier if I did," he answered. They watched as the mirror blurred again and then showed them their own image again, Snow White and Prince Charming holding each other.

Snow looked up at David.

"We have to do something," she said pleadingly.

"We can't have her cast another curse, not even to curse herself. It's too dangerous."

"We can't let her die, either," Snow said.

"We'll think of something. Let's just not... rush into anything that we might regret later, okay?"

Snow nodded and hugged David to her. He kissed her on the head.

"I love you," she whispered.

"And I love you," he answered and some of his hopefulness returned to him.


	3. Losing Focus

**A/N: Okay, I'm trying to juggle two stories simultaneously. That'll probably mean that I won't update as often but I seem to need some lighter stuff with the drama - this is the drama, btw. I hope you like.**

* * *

They gave her a room, some clothes, a bath, food. And despite what Regina had expected, these things did make her feel a little better. She had imagined all kinds of scenarios around her return into the consciousness of Snow White and King James - that she would be killed on sight, that people would run her off, that a mob would magically appear and hunt her down, that they would listen to her request and then throw her out - but her imagination hadn't prepared her for any sort of kindness. And now here she was in a flowing white gown, nothing fancy but far from shabby, smelling of perfumed soap, her hair untangled and lying over her shoulders and back (the way she used to wear it before Storybrooke), and she had just eaten a bowl of hot broth and a little bread.

Tears made their way to Regina's eyes. In a way, this all felt humiliating, like crumbs they gave to the fallen former evil queen and her pride would have liked to rebel against it all. But she was too weak. She was also grateful, a feeling that shared the same room in her body with the humiliation; strange bedfellows those two feelings were. She was grateful that she hadn't been run off, that Snow had taken the time to talk to her, to consider her request. There was hope because... these people were good. They had remembered that she had helped and they now wanted to help her in return. At least, Regina had still hope that they woulld.

Her plan had to succeed, she had to cast the curse. Her life depended on it. Not that her life was so terribly important to her, it was not the kind of life she had been born to lead, not the kind of life her mother had chosen for her. She'd been living in caves and abandoned huts in the forest, she'd been hiding and studying, trying to find a way back to be with her son. It took her a year and the risk was great but she had found a possibility. Sadly, she needed the help of others to succeed.

But there were the rumors among the Storybrookies - those that had lived in Storybrooke, Maine, for 30 years - rumors that Snow knew where Emma was, that they had somehow established some kind of contact, that all was not lost and that Emma and Henry might come to live with Snow and Charming. Some of these rumors involved Hook and Snow had confirmed this to be true. What had she said?

'Hook found her,' that was it. And that Henry was all right, that he was healthy.

Regina pulled a small box from her bag and opened it. Among some other items there was a photo in it. It had been the last thing Emma and she had exchanged before... she and Henry had driven over the Storybrooke town line. Emma had asked her if she had a recent photo of Henry and Regina had shown her the small picture of Henry when he had been 8. It was the kind of picture they took at school. A year later Henry had been sick when the photos were being made and ever since Emma Swan had come to Storybrooke, things had been... a little turbulent and Regina had never quite found the time to put a newer picture of him into her purse. Emma had had one, though. A shot of her and Henry taken shortly before Henry had been taken to Neverland. They were both smiling at the camera, happy, carefree, in a way it seemed to be a picture of how it was now, or how Regina imagined it to be between Emma and Henry now. Just the two of them, alone in the world, yet happy together.

Emma had given her this photo and had taken the one Regina had had in her purse of eight-year-old Henry. Sometimes she had wished that she'd had both pictures, that she'd had pictures of Henry through the years, that she could have looked at him at all stages of his life... including one of how he looked now. But the shot of Henry and Emma remained the only one she had. At first she had folded it so that she wouldn't have to look at Emma, that she wouldn't have to feel the jealousy because the blonde was with him and she was not. But the jealousy had faded fast and Regina had looked at the whole picture. It made more sense that way to see them both happy together, so that Henry was not alone but had a mother and a protector. The presence of Emma had become soothing to Regina and she had... she had started talking to Emma, giving her motherly advice. Of course, Emma had all the memories, she knew what it was like to be a full-time mother. Still, in her head, Regina told Emma all the little things that only she could know about Henry.

She would never admit this to anybody, of course. Even to herself it seemed sickenly nostalgic to dwell on thoughts like these but she had actually started to imagine some sort of domestic scenery. Sometimes when she couldn't sleep, sometimes when she was in pain with no relief, and sometimes when she was so lonely she could hardly breathe, she imagined these scenes, with Henry and Emma, that she was part of their life, that they were doing things together, ordinary things like cooking or playing a board game. And on a few occasions these last two months, she had actually imagined... she rarely acknowledged this to herself as if it was a shameful secret... Emma holding her at night. She had been so lonely...

Regina shook her head, sending some tears flying. She was careful that none should land on the photo, it was her most valuable possession and she put it quickly back into the box, closing it. Her breathing was going rapidly, she had lost herself for a moment in these... daydreams again. They came more often now, they were so compelling. And she could feel herself just giving in and drowning in them until she... ceased to exist, in them and out of them. She knew she had little time and she knew time was too precious now that she was in this house. She had to work on her plan, had to work on the curse. That was the only thing that mattered now, not some sentimental imagining of things that were most likely not to happen.

The evening festivities downstairs had commenced about an hour ago. They were celebrating the little prince Killian Leopold. Regina rose from her seat on the bed and walked to the door. She wasn't sure that Snow hadn't placed guards at her door but nobody had told her not to come to the festivities, they had also not invited her but if there were indeed guards around she could say that she wanted to go downstairs to celebrate, too. That was what she would say if anyone stopped her... on her way to the king and queen's bedchamber.

Regina slipped out of her room.

* * *

"It's all they're talking about," David whispered to Snow as he returned from mingling with the guests. Snow made a face.

"I'm not sure who I should be angry with - with Regina and her timing or with everybody for letting their... superstitions take over. At least our friends should know better than to let Regina scare them into thinking the worst."

"The last time she cast a curse, they all suffered, Snow," David tried to argue on behalf of their friends.

"I know but the last time she used magic, she actually sent us all back home... and she gave up Henry. Have they all forgotten this already?" Snow asked. She was agitated but not entirely out of the reason David thought she was. He suspected that the sight of Regina, sickly and thin as she had appeared before them, had shaken lose all the compassion Snow had, that she suffered to see the other woman so. And she was, but she was also aggrevated because she was feeling this compassion. Regina had done so many bad things, had threatened their lives and those of their subjects time and again, she had had people killed, and yet... the last time they had seen each other, she had made the greatest sacrifice - the sacrifice of a mother. They had both lost a child that day and somehow Snow felt that only Regina knew what she had felt.

Snow hated to be tied like this to Regina because it made their already complicated history more complicated yet. Any interaction between them was doomed to raise some deep-seated issue, a mere look sometimes reminded Snow of so many situations where they had clashed that she could hardly look at the woman. She was sure that Regina felt the same but somehow the other woman seemed to handle it better. Or maybe she was simply better at pretending that it didn't touch her.

"They haven't forgotten but... well, it's easier here in the Enchanted Forest to not talk too much about Regina doing good," David said and looked at Snow intently.

"Because everybody who had not been in Storybrooke hates her so much," Snow said and her husband nodded. "And for the last year, they haven't even seen her but they're still afraid."

"You don't forget the evils someone did within a year or two."

"I know but... can't they just... cool their chops, as Emma would say?" A small smile flashed over Snow White's face and David answered it with one of his own. There were rare moments when they would consider what Emma would say or do but they cherished them.

"I don't think that's an option right now," David said.

"I hope that they at least don't... attempt to do something...," Snow mused.

"I told everyone that Regina is a guest in this house and that she may stay as long as she choses. I also told some people that she is... sick. Just... you know..."

"She is sick," Snow said.

"Yes, but not everyone believes that. I talked to Doc, he could take a look at her tomorrow. That is if she allows it." David gave her a meaningful look.

"You don't believe her?"

"I prefer to be cautious," he countered.

"Well, maybe it would actually put our friends more at ease. I will talk to Regina about it tomorrow," she said and he nodded. "But tonight... I want to enjoy myself. And... I want to dance with my husband."

"Should I go see if I find him somewhere?" David teased.

"If I recall correctily, I'm usually the one to find him when he's lost," she answered back.

"He's not lost right now," he assured her and he gave a sign to the musicians to play up. David lead his wife into an adjoining room whose doors were wide open. The little orchestra had been playing there quietly but was now playing louder as the rulers of the kiingdom entered. They positioned themselves in the center of the room and the musicians started a waltz. Snow and David began their dance and maybe for the first time since her interruption of Killian's christening, Regina was almost forgotten. The present guests admired their king and queen, started talking about Snow's dress and James' handsome figure. But never quite forgetting, of course, that the evil queen was upstairs in one of the guest rooms - probably plotting her evil schemes.


	4. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

**A/N: Okay, this one is slow-going. I'm aware that you guys want to read SwanQueen and believe you me, I want to write them. But I also don't want to hurry it along like some OUaT-episode, all in its due time. And yes, I'll be trying to post longer chapters from now on... still, as always, i hope you like.**

* * *

There were no guards and she closed the door behind her. She had just taken two steps down the corridor toward Snow and Charming's chamber when another door behind her opened.

"Excuse me?" the voice of a woman rang out. It was a strong, determined voice and Regina had heard it before. It was the voice of the maid that had helped her earlier. Regina turned toward her.

"Yes?"

"Do you wish to go downstairs? The queen has asked me to join you, help you if necessary, if you wanted to go downstairs."

Great, not guards but a watchdog. That was more sneaky of Snow than Regina had anticipated.

"I... I just wanted to look around a little, get acquainted with the surroundings. Maybe find the kitchen and have some more of that delicious bread," Regina said, smiling apologetically.

"If you want, I can get you some. I'm not sure I should let you ramble around here on your own. The queen said you were... not well. She doesn't want you to fall and hurt yourself," the maid said.

"I see. Well, I would be grateful for some bread and I'll just go back into my room."

"Very well," the woman said and waited for Regina to do as she had said. Regina did. She closed the door behind her and listened at the door for retreating footsteps. She knew that she wouldn't have enough time to sneak around now. She'd have to think of a way to escape the ardent care Snow had bestowed on her. She waited for the maid, her name was Leanora, to return with the bread and leave her again before she made another attempt to leave her room. This time she opened her door very carefully, without a sound and then aimed her hand at the door to cast a spell. It was an incantation to muffle all sound that came to Leanora's door - what J:K: Rowling simply called the muffliato-spell. Regina rolled her eyes at the thought. It was strange how things learned and felt in Storybrooke had lodged themselves in her mind, never to let go. And Regina could think of many a misgiving she had with the Harry Potter-series, especially when it came to spells but her mind always seemed to translate her own spells into Potter-language, as if she was telling someone - Henry perhaps? - in her head exactly what she was doing.

Regina took a few steps out onto the corridor, going so far as to stepping onto a creaking floorboard, but Leanora didn't appear again. The spell must have worked but probably wouldn't hold for too long. Regina knew that her magical powers were lagging and she tried to preserve them as best she could. Even this spell, one she would have cast without even thinking about it in the past, weakened her now. She steadied herself against the wall and walked that way down the corridor. Nobody had told her where Snow and Charming's chamber was but she had been in the prince's room and there were only two doors from and to it - one to the corridor and one, Regina deduced, to his parents' bedroom. She took the door to the left of Killian's room and opened it slowly, carefully. It was empty and it was indeed the king and queen's bedroom.

Regina nodded at herself as she slipped into the room, carefully closing the door behind her. She assumed that there would be someone with Killian right now, a sort-of-nanny perhaps and she didn't want to make her presence known. She thought of casting another muffliato-spell but cating another spell might weaken her too much to get back to her room, so she opted for quiet instead. Magic could make you lazy and too sure of yourself.

Regina looked around the room. There had to be something, a clue as to where Henry was. Would they have written something down, an address? Regina walked to the bed. There were no nightstands like there would have been in Storybrooke... everything was so different here. It was strange to Regina how she had lived here for most of her life, at least a few years longer than in Storybrooke, yet Storybrooke seemed so much more vivid in her memory, and it also made a lot more sense to her.

Like nightstands. Where else were you to put things dear to you than right where you could protect them even when unconscious? She slipped her hand under the pillows but found nothing.

Regina looked around the room, scanning it.

Where would Snow... and then her eyes fell on the mirror hanging opposite the bed, next to the door. It was... curiously prominently positioned, especially if you considered that there was a vanity in the room with a larger mirror on it. This one tended towards round but was still oval, it wasn't very big and no one would consider it an especially beautiful ornament and yet it hang alone in the center of the wall whose only other occupant was the door.

"Curious," Regina whispered and walked toward it. She felt her fingertips tingle as she neared the mirror and she was sure it would respond to her touch - if she dared touch it. Was this how they communicated? Were she to touch the surface of the mirroring surface, would it open up, showing her... her son?

It was tempting, yet oh so, damning, too. What would happen if she inadverdently stumbled onto a domestic scene with Henry and Emma? Or Henry sitting alone on the couch, watching tv maybe? Or... so many possibilities to once again curse so many people. And yet... the temptation to see him, if only for a second, to hear his voice... it was so strong. Regina lifted her hand but held it steadily just an inch away from the mirror.

It was possible that Henry wasn't anywhere near the mirror. She could close her eyes and touch it and listen for any noises from the other side. She could touch it again if she heard anything... she wouldn't have to risk it. Or she could walk away now, leave the house, never come back and die, not even knowing that Henry was really happy but knowing that she didn't risk cursing him and everybody else. But she had already thought about all of this. In that hut she'd spent the last four months. She had thought about everything, the risks, the gain, the possibilities. And she had decided that it was worth it, that if she were careful she would be the only one to be cursed.

Regina slowly nodded to herself. She closed her eyes and then touched the cool surface of the mirror.

* * *

At first, she heard absolutely nothing and she thought that maybe she had been wrong about the mirror. But then there were muffled sounds in the background, cars honking, people laughing, maybe, a siren. But it was all far away and so faint Regina had to strain to even hear it. It sounded like a city but that was outside. Inside, the place where the mirror hang, was quiet. No tv, no radio, no people.

Regina opened her eyes and saw... darkness. It wasn't complete, there were faint shadows darker than others, some bluish light coming in from outside. But there were no lights on in this... dwelling. Regina couldn't even make out the room exactly, it was too dark. Was it big, was it small, was that a couch, was that a plant? She couldn't really tell. Was this even the place where Henry lived? Where Emma lived with him? She couldn't know. There was nothing to indicate that this was the place she was looking for. And yet, why would a mirror in Snow and Charming's bedroom show her just a random apartment in what was obviously the America of the realm they had left behind a year ago? It had to be the place.

But where was it?

The mirror was facing a window and she could see buildings outside but none was familiar. There was no recognizable shape of a well-known sight, just buildings, tall buildings. It was a city but which city? Had Emma taken Henry back to Boston with her? Had they relocated in Chicago, New York, Atlanta, San Francisco? She didn't know how warm it was in that room, all she had was the visual and it told her nothing.

Regina would have liked to scream in frustration but only a low growl escaped her throat. She'd never been a very patient person and this staring at a non-descript, dark apartment wasn't going to tell her anything. She looked around for another clue. Snow had told her that Hook had found them, he had probably given them the mirror, he might have given Emma's parents an address... something? Regina walked to Snow's vanity and opened a drawer, then another and another till all the drawers were open. There was a notebook but it was mostly empty pages and what was written in it seemed to be some kind of schedule for Killian. When she fed him, when he slept... but no address or any indication where her other child was, what she did.

Regina closed the drawers again when her eyes fell on a small object. It was a mirror, one half of a mirror Regina had magicked into showing her son once. It was the mirror they'd used to contact Henry in Neverland. Why was this here? Why did Snow have it?

Regina didn't know and she didn't much care but she took it. As she held it in front of herself, seeing only her haggared face and nothing else, tears sprang to her eyes. She remembered... something she rarely allowed herself to do. She remembered how they fought on that island, how they ultimately won, how she had looked into this mirror, Emma beside her, and had seen her son's face. His impossibly young, determined face. She had to put her hand over her mouth to muffle a sob.

"Damn you, Snow," she whispered. She put the mirror to her chest and closed her eyes for a moment. This was hers, she would take it. And if Snow had a problem with that she could come and talk to her about it but she wouldn't give it up. It was hers, after all.

Regina stood like this for some time, precious minutes ticking by before she roused herself. She would have to leave if she wanted to escape detection. She was about to hide the mirror in her sleeve when she turned and looked right into the enchanted mirror on the wall again. It showed her her own visage, the image of the room somewhere in America had dissolved. Still, its mere presence gave Regina an idea. If she could somehow... tune the compact mirror into the same chanel as the one hanging here... was that possible?

Regina walked up to the wall mirror again and this time she simply touched it without delay, without any precautions. The room beyond still lay quiet and dark, the only sounds coming from the world beyond. Good. Regina held the small mirror in front of it, felt the magical field of the bigger one... tuned in on it... concentrated on the compact mirror, lifted her other hand... she felt her powers draining, beads of sweat break out on her body as she directed every ounce of power into attuning the two mirrors to each other. Her knees started to give out, her head was pounding in pain, her hands were shaking but there was no giving up for her. And then the small mirror showed her the same image as the one on the wall and she gave a grunt of triumph before she collapsed.


	5. Hearing His Voice

**A/N: I know I said that I would post longer chapters but this story goes at its own pace (as they all do, I guess). But there will be some Emma and Henry, for I know you missed them (as did I).**

* * *

She couldn't tell how much time had passed since she had fainted, it had already been dark and that's what it still was. But nobody seemed to have come in, nobody seemed to have found her, collapsed in Snow and Charming's bedroom.

Regina looked at the mirror which she held in her hand and tapped her finger to it. It still showed her the apartment far away. The dark-haired woman smiled, she would find out where Henry was and this mirror would help her do it. She pushed it into the sleeve of her dress to hide it.

Regina crawled towards the door and listened for noises. There was still music playing downstairs and the underlying buzz of people talking but she couldn't hear any more immediate noises coming from the hall. She pulled herself up from the floor and opened the door a crack. She listened again but there was no one in the hall. She slipped from the room and leaned heavily against the wall as she slowly made her way to her own. It seemed miles away, her strength was fading fast, sweat was glistening on her forehead. She wasn't sure she was going to make it and there was still the problem of her maid who probably listened for the tiniest noise from the hall.

Regina put her right hand up as she neared her room, the incantation to muffle sounds running through her head as if said aloud. She wasn't sure it was working but even thinking the spell weakened her and she shuffled as quickly as possible to her door and through it. She didn't lose time to find a light source, she simply went to the bed and slipped under the covers with a last effort of strength. Then she lay still, forcing herself to stay awake long enough to hear a click from the door. The maid must have heard her but she didn't say anything. There was a moment of silence in which they both just listened for the other's breathing, then the door closed again and Regina whispered a sigh. She had done it and she hadn't been detected. And she would probably sleep all day tomorrow because there was no strength left in her. She only had to do one more thing and she slipped the mirror from her sleeve beneath her pillow.

No nightstand, she thought as she fell asleep.

* * *

Henry shuffled into the living room as his mother was just taking the first sip from her caocao.

"Morning, champ. Is caocao okay? You look like you need a coffee infusion," she teased, grinning. "You haven't been online half the night, have you?"

"Not half the night, just..."

"Till after midnight?" Emma guessed and Henry shot her a suspicious look.

"Are you spying on me?"

"It's how I earn my living, Henry. Come on, eat up. We've got a long day ahead of us," she told him.

"Where are we going today?"

"Well, we could go to the Natural History Museum, as we have planned or...," Emma drew it out and Henry rolled his eyes at her. "Or we could take a road trip to the Smithsonian."

"The Smithsonian, for real?" Henry asked excitedly.

"Yes, for real. But if we want to make it there and actually look at things, we'll have to hustle. So, eat your breakfast. I'll go shower." Emma stood and took her dishes to the sink as Henry filled his breakfast bowl with cereal.

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think... would you mind...?"

"What is it, Henry?" Emma asked turning to her son.

"Do you think Hoo... I mean, Killian could come with us?"

"Killian? But... aw, Henry, he's... annoying. Have you been chatting with him half the night?" She asked suspiciously.

"He doesn't even have a computer, mom. But can't he come, please?"

Emma sighed. She had been looking forward to spending time with Henry alone since she had to cancel their last two Saturday's outings due to work. They usually went to a museum on Saturdays because that's what Henry liked to do. It didn't really matter what kind of museum, he just wanted to look at things, learn about them. Emma didn't mind, she liked these things, too. New York was a great city for a kid in this respect and it also meant that they could spent time together, talk about things, have Henry find out what excited him most... it was educational on many levels plus quality time for them both. Today she was looking forward to the drive as well. She loved to go on road trips and they hadn't done that in a while, not since that day they had been in Maine... it was over a year ago now and it still made her wonder... because she couldn't even say how they had gotten there or why they had been there. It was a mystery, one she had planned to someday uncover.

"If you can rouse him in time, I'm not gonna wait for him, okay?" Emma answered Henry's question.

"I'll call him," Henry said enthusiastically and hopped from his chair. Emma rolled her eyes and left their living space for her bedroom and then the bathroom.

* * *

Snow turned, smiling at Charming.

"They're going to the museum," she said.

"Yeah, and the Smithsonian, too. I would have loved to go there sometime. We had the whole world at our front door but couldn't go anywhere. It's a little frustrating if you think about it," Charming answered. They were watching their daughter and grandson start their Saturday morning, just as they were beginning theirs. That's why they had breakfast in their room on Saturdays, pretending that they were spending it with Emma and Henry.

Killian fussed in his mother's arms.

"Here, give him to me," Charming offered when he had finished his morning egg. Snow had fed the little prince and was now trying to eat her own breakfast with little success as Killian fully woke. David walked around the table and picked his son up. He held him high above his head and made airplane noises.

"Be careful, he's just eaten," Snow warned and David lowered Killian again.

"Right," he said and returned to his seat.

"Maybe we'll find a way back someday," Snow said looking at the mirror and it's image of her grandson talking on the phone longingly.

"We could go with Hook next time he comes here," David suggested.

"You know there's no guarantee we can travel between realms like he does... remembering who he is. He's a traveller. We might lose our memory and you know that," Snow argued.

"I know. I would just like to... see them again," he sighed.

"Should I turn the mirror off?"

David shook his head. They had little enough time with Emma and Henry as it was, he didn't want to ruin it for Snow by complaining.

"I'm sorry, Snow, I... some days are harder than others."

"I know," his wife sighed but she also smiled at him and he answered in kind as he held his son close to him. "I would still like to try it some day, you know. It's so unfortunate that we lost everything that was in Gold's shop... he had found a way to travel, maybe we could have..."

"Worked his magic, David? I find that unlikely. I don't think even Regina could have done it," she added.

David looked at her.

"Have you thought some more about Regina's request?" He asked and she nodded.

"I have and I may have found a solution. I just don't think it's a solution Regina will like."

"Tell me," he asked of her.

"Regina is dying because of a broken heart. Remembering Henry is at the core of that, I guess, and she wants to see him again to... cure herself. But she can't see him because of the curse, so she wants to make herself forget. But what if she cursed herself to forget to cure herself? Shouldn't that work as well? Without her crossing realms and possibly endangering Henry or Emma?"

"You mean, forgetting everything but staying here?" Snow nodded. "You're right, she won't like it but I think you're onto to something. I say, it could work," David told his wife. Snow nodded.

"I'm going to talk to her later. Leanora said that she was still sleeping."

David nodded and tickled his son until the little boy laughed happily.

* * *

Regina woke to a familiar voice in her room, muffled but still detectable as someone she knew... and missed. It tore right through her like a knife hearing that voice and she knew before she was even fully awake that it was Henry. For a moment, she couldn't say where it came from. Was it part of her dream? Was he maybe in the room? Had everything else been a dream and was he still with her?

But as her mind cleared, she remembered the mirror under her pillow and she was about to pull it out and... look, when she remembered that she couldn't. Regina lay stock still, she didn't even dare breathing as she heard Henry talk to Emma... and hearing her voice as well, teasing their son, stirred something in the dark-haired woman. Tears welled in her eyes as she lay and listened to a conversation... about museums and breakfast and... Killian? Hook?

Was he in New York? Was he with them? Was he... no, Emma didn't seem happy that Henry wanted him to join them, so they weren't together. But what was he even doing there? And why did Henry want him to come to the museum with them?

And would the pain in her chest at hearing his voice cease? Why was the mirror active anyway? Had she activated it in her sleep or...

Regina closed her eyes. She hadn't thought about this but it now became obvious that attuning the mirrors had possibly been a mistake. Snow and David must have activated their mirror and activated hers with it. So whenever she tapped into her mirror now... the one in their bedroom would be activated as well.

Regina shook her head over her stupidity because it was nothing short of that. Her mind had been clouded by her exhaustion last night and she hadn't thought about it. If anyone had been in her room just now, they would have heard the voices from the mirror, they would have found it... and she would have been found out. That couldn't happen, she couldn't let it happen.

Regina grabbed the mirror under her pillow and spoke the same incantation from last night and the voices faded slowly. Her heartrate slowed but a hollow feeling filled her as she couldn't hear Henry anymore. She didn't even know what was more painful, to hear him or to have to quash his voice to not have anyone else hear him.

Regina sighed. She leaned back into the pillows, fighting herself for the smallest of peeks into the mirror or to at least release the spell that subdued the voices from it. It was all so painful and so draining. Again she thought of leaving, again she wished she had the moral strength to leave it all behind and go somewhere to die in peace. But could she die in peace without Henry? She couldn't. She could just lie here and hope that Snow would deactivate her mirror, that she would come to her at some point and agree to help her find her son.


	6. A Kind-of-Consensus

**A/N: And the plot sickens... Well, and I might have to take a break from this story next week until the end of February to attend to some 'life'. But I'll be back, 'cause I like this story. Enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

Regina was sitting on a chaise longue by the window when there was a knock on the door. She had tried to eat breakfast earlier but found that her stomach was in a nervous twist that wouldn't let her eat much. She drank some tea, she tried to read, and she pulled the compact mirror from her sleeve to look at its reflecting surface. Snow and Charming had turned their mirror off at some point, her spell had worn off, and she had felt weak But taking out the mirror, it worked like a drug, just having it, just holding it - Henry was closer than he had been to her in a year, she had heard his voice. She wanted to hear it again, she wanted to see him, too. But she wasn't allowed to. A drug - and she was already addicted.

Regina pushed the mirror back into her sleeve.

"Come in," she called out and the opening door revealed Snow White. She smiled politely.

"Good morning," she greeted Regina.

"Good morning, Snow. What have you decided?" Regina came to the point right away.

Snow came closer, finally sitting down by Regina's legs.

"You look tired, didn't you get much sleep?"

"The music from downstairs kept me awake for most of the night. And my thoughts... well, they kept me awake even longer. Do we have to exchange small talk before you inform me of your decision, I'm feeling rather weak and I would like to begin on the curse as soon as possible - if possible," Regina told the other woman.

"You seem convinced that I will help you," Snow mused.

"I have hope that you will. What is your answer?"

"Regina...," Snow started but stopped again. She looked out the window for a moment. "I wonder if you would let Doc examine you?"

"Why?"

"Well, you said you were dying. Maybe there's something he can do," Snow said but her eyes weren't looking at Regina, they were still fixed on the horizon.

"You don't believe me," Regina accused but there was no heat behind the accusation, she didn't seem to have any heat. But there was a hint of disappointment in her voice that Snow heard.

"I do believe you, Regina, but... well, not everyone does," she added.

"So David doesn't and he sent you to talk to me because... we have such a strong familial bond?"

"He didn't send me, it was my decision. Regina... I appreciate all you've done for Emma and Henry. I can't... thank you enough for the gift you've given them, a life together, safety... I know you did it for Henry but I'm thinking about this every day and... I'm grateful for it, for Emma, for all of us," she told the older woman.

"Because the others are not grateful?" Regina asked with a slight smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She was being sarcastic, of course, but there might have been more - more disappointment.

"That's not..."

"I don't care, Snow. I wouldn't even care for your gratitude if there wasn't something I want from you. The question remains, will you help me?"

"Yes, I will help you," Snow said and saw the first real smile light up Regina's face. She lifted a hand to ward off any words that might be coming from the other woman. "I will help you with everything I can to work the curse to forget. I won't, however, help you find Henry and Emma."

And just as quickly as she had smiled before, Regina's face fell.

"I'm not sure I understand," she said.

"You say you're dying of a broken heart because you miss Henry. If you cast a curse to forget Henry, you won't miss him anymore so you won't die if you forget about him," Snow explained.

"But I need to see him," Regina said, her eyes startig to shimmer with unshed tears.

"I can't let you... bring another curse to that realm. I can't let you... jeopardize the happiness of my daughter and grandson. Another curse could ruin everything for them. There's always a price, Regina," she answered and now she saw Regina's tears fall. She may have expected more resistance, she may have even expected Regina to throw some magic at her... but while her jawmuscles contracted, her hands were balled to fists, the rest of her body just seemed resigned or too weak to even move. She was truly as sick as Regina had said, possibly more so than Snow had realized before now. They didn't have much time.

"I'm going to help you get better, Regina, I swear."

"How? You can't even do any magic! I'll have to do it all on my own, as always," Regina answered, ignoring her tears and looking resentfully at Snow.

"Do you have everything you need? For the forgetting curse, I mean?"

Regina shook her head, she had only brought the books that had helped her find a solution, everything else was still in the cabin where she'd left it all. She didn't want these things around in case she was being chased off.

"It's all where I've lived these last few months. A cabin in the woods... not far from Rumple's house..."

"Rumple's... but... it was you, you took all books and magical objects that were still there," Snow said and looked at Regina.

"Yes, I was looking for a way to get Henry back and I needed Rumple's books. Did you know he wrote everything down? He had so much time on his hands, every little thing he knew about magic, he wrote it all down, meticulously. And not just his dark magic, all he knew about fairy magic, about pixie magic, about MY magic... witches' magic... I have those books. Some were missing but I took what was left. Were you looking for them?"

"We were looking for something, whatever we would have found in Rumple's house. But there was nothing left and we thought... we thought everything had just been taken by thieves," Snow said.

"So you were looking for a way to get Emma back, too," Regina deduced. She was looking into Snow's eyes.

"Yes," the younger woman admitted in a low voice.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but you wanted to cast your own spell, consequences be damned, to get Emma and Henry to the Enchanted Forest. You're a hypocrite, Snow White," she accused. Snow let her head hang for a moment, then she looked up again, facing Regina and her accusations.

"We wanted to see if there was a way, yes. But even if we would have found one, there's no way of telling if we could have done it, or whether we would have done it, Regina. We would have thought about possible consequences, we wouldn't have put our needs before the safety of our daughter. Never."

Regina smiled.

"Of course, you would have done the noble thing. Do you think I would endanger Henry? Do you think I haven't thought of possible consequences for the last 12 months? Every day, Snow, every day, I'm thinking about them. I'm thinking about my son, Emma, about how they live and whether they would be happier here or there. I'm thinking about every magical faculty of every herb I would be using, I'm thinking about everything. It drains me, some days I could only lie on a cot, not moving because I didn't have the strenght to even blink. I thought of everything and I would never have come to you if I didn't think that I could do the spell without hurting anyone... anyone but me, that is," she told Snow, her voice barely above a whisper, scratchy, but with a deep passion in it.

Snow sighed.

"I can't let you do it, Regina," she repeated.

"Because you don't trust me enough," Regina guessed and didn't get an answer. "After all I did for Emma..."

"After all you did to us all," Snow corrected. "Are you really surprised?"

Regina shook her head.

"Not surprised," she said but Snow could tell that she was still disappointed and angry, even though her body just sat there in perfect stillness.

"What do you need for the spell of forgetfulness?" Snow came back to the problem at hand.

"I've got a list, it's in my bag," she said and pointed with merely a finger at the bag lying at the foot of her bed. Snow rose from her seat and caught it. She gave it to Regina.

Regina pulled a small book from the bag and pulled a paper from it. She looked it over.

"These are the herbs and... animals I'll need. The herbs can be found in the hut I've lived in if you want to send someone there. But I guess they can be found in the woods or on the market as well if you have someone who could collect the right ones, that is. Suit yourself," she told Snow.

"I'll send some guards to get your things," Snow promised. "Is there something else?"

"I'll need a cauldron, some household items, bowls, a mortar... it all has to be clean. I need a vial for the potion, too. There are some in the hut, if your men can be trusted to be careful enough to bring them to me," she said.

Snow nodded. She held out her hand for the list that Regina still held and the other woman looked up at her. She held out the list but when Snow took it, she held onto it still. Snow looked up into Regina's eyes and saw someone too familiar, maybe someone she had already thought dead in the weak body - the evil queen.

"I hate you for this, Snow, and if I wasn't dying I would fight you on it, too. I will fight you...," Regina took a deep wheezing breath. "I will see my son again." That last one was a promise, a vow. Her eyes seemed to flicker in resistance but then they were just the eyes of a dying woman again, filling once again with tears.

"If I could help you without any risk to anyone, I would, Regina. I would help you see Henry again, I would help myself and my husband to see our daughter again. But I can't, Regina. If you want to fight us again when you're better... well, you have to do what you have to do, but I won't let you hurt anyone I love... ever again," Snow made her own vow.

Regina let go of the list and let her hand sink to her side. She turned her head away to look out of the window at a beautiful morning.

"We'll see," she said in a weak rasp.

"I'll see that you get everything you need for the curse," Snow answered and left Regina's room.

* * *

When the Storybrookies had suddenly reappeared in the Enchanted Forest a year ago, a lot of the land had been unrecognizable. Just over two years of political unrest after realizing that most of the leaders of the land had simply vanished and with them guards and guardians of all that was good and decent, had left none of the castles standing, all of the rich houses raided, the world seemed to belong to the common thief, the murderer, the whore.

And then they had been back, anarchy had been over and a year later everyone was still trying to recover from it all. There were bands of people pillaging and ransacking towns now, trolls were more aggressively pusuing that protection of what they considered theirs, and the ogres... well, the few that were left these days sometimes raided a village as well. But there was good again, there was hopfulness again, and people wanting to keep the peace.

While the world wasn't what it had been before, one thing didn't change at all: people gossipped. And while before they had been feeding each other daily reports of what their respective kings and queens were doing to help their kingdoms grow stronger, now - in all the kingdoms - there was only one topic: the evil queen had returned, she wanted to cast a curse... and Snow White and King James were helping her.

And people didn't like it. Some said it was all lies, Snow White would never help the woman who had killed her father. She would never help that woman, and had her probably locked up somewhere in that big house she and James were living in. Others, the louder ones, said it was true, that Snow had grown to like the evil queen, that they had spent too much time together in that other realm... that Snow considered the Evil Queen an ally.

Stories were spreading, rumors were spreading even faster. It only needed a good slogan, one sentence not everybody would believe but everybody could remember and repeat. And that happened in the follwing days.

While guards were collecting herbs and items from a small hut near Rumplestiltskin's house, while others caught small animals in the woods, while the tension in the big house with the king and queen and prince and dying woman grew, the rumor of a dangerous curse spread around the country, already poisoning those who believed it.


End file.
